the presentation

I awoke the following morning to be greeted by sky that was uniformly dull and grey. The sparkling spring of the previous day was confined to memory. The grim weather rather suited my mood. I was a long way down a rocky path I had never intended to travel and I had a gut wrenching feeling I’d never make it back to the higher ground. Emma reinforced my sense of helplessness by trotting naked down the stairs as I was about to leave. I watched her small breasts bouncing, her brown nipples hypnotised me, leaving me powerless to do anything but nod in a final acceptance of my fate as she ordered me to get it sorted with Kathy.

I drove towards the office thinking about the previous evening. Emma and I had discussed Greta and Bob’s wedding at some length, and finally I had set aside with my foreboding and faced the fact that we were going to organise this event, and we all were going to maintain of proud tradition of dressing the part, or not in this case. There was however one hurdle that Emma insisted I got over, and that was her bete noir, Kathy. If we were to do our jobs properly we had to be comfortable naked. In a complete about face Emma, who a fortnight ago had threatened me with castration, was now encouraging me to spend time naked with Kathy. I shuddered, not at the thought of seeing my business partner in the nude, as now and again I’d always had pleasing thoughts about what lurked beneath, but at the thought of us naked together was more than disconcerting.

I parked the car as near as I could to the office, which was about a quarter of a mile away. As I hurried along ranting to myself about draconian parking restrictions a passing bus sloshed though a large brown puddle left by the night’s spring rain. The driver was a true professional and had judged his swerve to perfection. The last thing I saw before a wall of muddy water engulfed me was the triumphant grin on his grubby unshaven face. It was of little comfort to me that I had probably brightened up his dull, mundane existence.

Our secretary Carol wasn’t in so only Kathy was on hand to share the malevolent bus driver’s little joke.

“It’s not fun” I protested “Even my pants are soaked!”

When she had stopped laughing she strode over to the door the street locked it, and then proceeded to pull down the window blinds as I stood dripping forlornly onto the office carpet.

Kathy pointed to my office.

“Get in there and get your clothes off” she commanded “I’ll take them next-door to Deirdre’s to be cleaned. You’ll have them back in an hour”

“What” I protested “I can’t sit around in my pants”

“Your pants are soaked so they’ll have to come off too. Now don’t be pig headed, Peter, you’ll get a cold.” She told me wagging her finger like Mary Poppins addressing a small child. “You’ve got no appointments and I’ve locked the door”

“What about Carol?” I said playing my last card

“She’s not coming in until after lunch. You’ll be sitting in your freshly pressed suit by then” she told me as she pushed me into my office and closed the door.
I hesitated, but she was right. I was soaked and I was already beginning to feel cold. I turned my little fan heater on, but my suit was so wet it was useless. I looked down; it was covered in mud. I sighed and began to undress.

“Come on Pete, hurry up” shouted Kathy banging on the door. I opened the door a small crack and handed her my jacket, trousers and shirt one at a time. I stood there shivering in my wet underpants and socks. Her hand came thought the door.
“Pants” She said imperiously.

“You can’t take them to the dry cleaners” I protested.

”No but I can hang them to dry in the boiler room” she told me.

With great reluctance I peeled down my wet pants.

“I’d just like to point out” I told her defensively as I passed them through the door, “that the brown satins are due to the muddy water from the puddle”

“I’ll be back in a moment” she said and I heard the door slam and lock.

I looked around my office. It was the same as it always was. Papers strewn on the desk, the comfy armchairs for the punters, leather swivel for me, functional computer to one side of the imitation teak desk, phone to the other. A picture of me and Emma, smiling on a sunlit path high in the Austrian Alps held my gaze, my eyes followed the mountains to infinity and beyond where my penis hung, a ghostly reflection spoiling the snow covered sunlit slopes. I sprang back in shock into my chair only to jump back up again at the feel of cold leather on my bare behind.

I stared at the door. No that way led to madness, but I couldn’t resist, I had to do it. And so as if drawn by some command I opened the door and walked out into the outer office. Here I was, stark naked, exposed in such a public place. How about if I tried Kathy’s office? No that was a dare too far. But once the thought was in my head I knew I had to go for it. I stepped forward but was stopped by the rattle of a key in the lock. My heart pounded as I scurried back to the shelter of my own office like a mouse scurrying back into its hole. I looked around; my tie was about the only serviceable item of clothing left, but that hid nothing. What if it was Carol, what could I say to her, how could I explain?

“Hi Pete, it’s only me” said Kathy from the outer office. “She said about an hour”

An hour, it sounded like a year to me.

“Right ho” I replied weakly, sitting on my chair, with my dangly bits hidden behind the solid fake façade that masqueraded as my desk. Only an innate sense of privacy prevented me from leaping to my bare feet when the door opened with a terrifying creak. I was shaking like a teenager in a horror film as Kathy’s head appeared, she grinned. “Good practice for the naturist wedding”

I remembered to breathe. “What say you we make a start on the presentation” she suggested

“Er well, I’d rather not in my present state” I replied feebly.

“Oh come on Pete, you’ll have to get used to it sometime” she told me breezily. “tell you what, you get the computer booted up while I just get out of these clothes”
I looked up in panic, but, before I could say anything she was gone. I was still staring at the door two minutes later when she walked back in. Now I was a teenager in skin flick.

She wasn’t beautiful by any means and her body was far from perfect, but the package just screamed sex on two legs at me. As she strode purposely towards me I took it all in; the large firm breasts framed in the marks from her recently abandoned underwear. The smooth pale skin, the patch of dark pubic hair that thinned from the centre outwards, the firm thighs. She peeked over the edge of the desk.

“Why Peter, I do believe you are pleased to see me” she commented as she placed her firm buttocks on its polished edge. “I don’t think that thing should be exposed for too long.” Her voice was low and husky now “In fact I’ve got a place you can put it” she said sultrily as she opened her legs.

The brain turned off and the hormones took over as I leapt to my feet. Just to the left of Kathy’s exposed hip I caught sight of Emma’s photograph. She seemed to be looking at me accusingly. I reached forward and placed it face down, Emma shouldn’t watch this. Before I could move further Kathy suddenly said, “No stop, this is wrong” I halted in mid stride, she was of course right, it could only end in tears, a long road of illicit sex in broom cupboards, ‘late night meetings’ and subterfuge, which could only end in discovery and a rather nasty divorce. I heaved a sigh of relief. I had escaped by the skin of my teeth

“I can’t do this face to face” Kathy continued firmly. With that she turned around, swept the papers from the desk and replaced them with her bare chest, leaving me with a perfect view of her perfect behind. The hormones kicked in once more, I came to attention and moved forward.

“And Peter” said Kathy “just make sure you get the right hole”

I screeched to halt again. What did she take me for? Some kind of pervert, or a novice who didn’t know his way around the female anatomy without a map. I gauged the distance, took careful aim and moved in for the thrill.

“Hello” The word echoed through the outer office like a lone gunshot down the Khyber Pass. The bullet hit its target. Kathy shot up and I fell down rapidly.

“I thought you said she wouldn’t be in” I hissed.

“That’s what she told me” Kathy hissed back “stall her before she comes in here”

“Hello Carol, is that you?”

“Yes”

“I thought you wouldn’t be in till later” I shouted

“Swimming practice was cancelled” she replied “Is Kathy in?”

“Yes we’re having a meeting”

“I’m putting the kettle on, do you want some tea?”

“That would be nice”

“How about you, Kathy?”

I turned around, Kathy had disappeared. “She’d love one” I shouted back.

I heard the sound of Carol’s footsteps heading off towards the small kitchen area. I thought briefly of my underpants

Kathy’s head popped up from behind my desk.

“What did you tell her that for you moron” she demanded unsympathetically

“It will buy us some time” I told her

“You’ve got a plan.” An accusation not an inquiry.

“Where are your clothes?”

“In my off………Oh no, if you think I can streak across without Carol seeing me”

“There is a chance” I claimed, knowing that it lay between slim and none.

Kathy wasn’t stupid “no there isn’t; and if you think it’s possible, you go”

“Don’t be stupid I can hardly make it there and back without her seeing me” I retorted. “And I’d rather she saw me naked than wearing your clothes”

“That’s it” said Kathy standing up rapidly and inducing some alluring vibrations in her small breasts. “We’ll tell her the truth”

“What” I was astonished “tell her we were about to bonk each other’s brains out!”

Kathy blushed at the thought of what we could well have been doing at this moment. She brushed past me, I felt her smooth skin, the heat of her body, and breathed the blown out air of somebody who did have a plan. I knew I wasn’t going to like it, and I knew what it was.

“Carol are you there?” she called.

I could hear the clatter of cups in the kitchen. “Just coming she called” Had she not turned up unannounced, I could have been saying the same.

“There’s just one thing” called Kathy, and it was one big thing, well it had been a moment ago.

“We were preparing for the Hunter presentation, and we decided to do it in costume” she paused, “Or not, if you see what you mean”

There was silence in the outer office.

“I see” Carol said carefully, “I have been thinking about that”

“Just tell her to go out” I hissed at Kathy’s well rounded behind. She flapped her hand to shut me up.

“I imagine you are finding it difficult to get staff” Carol continued

‘You’d be surprised’ I thought

“If you need some help I’m up for it” Now I was surprised, but not as surprised as I was going to be.

“Well,” replied Kathy slowly “Are you sure”

“Give me a moment” came the reply

“What did you say that for” I whispered angrily.

“Well what did you expect me to say” she replied testily

“To tell her no, and go out shopping for an hour” I replied

“Look, Pete, it was a moment of madness, and something we would come to regret so its better this way.”

I couldn’t have agreed more and I had more pressing matters on my mind than resuming the spiralling downward thread of adultery. Top my current agenda was a reunion with my clothes

“Yes, yes, but if we get rid of her we can get dressed”

But it was too late as the door was already opening to reveal a stark naked Carol. She smiled as she squeezed between us carrying a tray laden with three mugs and a small plate of biscuits. She was a competitive swimmer and had broad shoulders and a wide back, her long muscled thighs led to strong well formed buttocks. I watched as she lay the tray down before sitting on a vacant chair.

“So how far have you got” said

I looked at her, sitting with her shoulders well back emphasising her firm breasts with tiny pointed nipples the colour of small rosebuds just about to open. She crossed her long legs and covered her hairless vagina with her hands. Clearly Carol’s plan was the diametrically opposite of the young couple whose wedding we were planning. Take an abnormal situation and act as if you and everyone else were still dressed.



Two hours later we had the presentation nailed. I leaned back in the chair and let out a sigh of relief. I was someway to reconciliation with my fate and if I didn’t think too hard I could forget that Kathy and Carol were naked. I was beginning to think that I would make it through the wedding when Carol said “what we need is some photos”

“We’ve put some in” I countered

“Yes, but you know” she said rather incomprehensively

Unfortunately I knew exactly what she meant but I wasn’t going to let her off easily.

“No, I don’t know what you mean”

“We need some nudie photos” she expanded

“What!” I exploded in indignation

“Well just to give the impression we are naked, you know like those old women and their calendar”

Inside I groaned, I knew she was right and I knew that Kathy would agree with her.

“She’s right” said Kathy who then trod harder on the soft earth

“We need Emma for the catering side”

“What” I exclaimed

But Kathy was already on the phone. I listened with desperation, perhaps Emma wouldn’t answer

“Hi Emma” Kathy said brightly. One hope down, perhaps she would be busy.

“Are you busy?”

Please God please

“Could you pop over for a quick photo?” My hopes were tumbling like former Soviet Republics


“The Hunter Account.”

“Yes” a pause “we already are, bit of practice so to speak” I winced

“Excellent, see you soon” Emma said something that made Kathy laugh. Probably an obvious comment like “see all of you soon.”

Carol appeared with her camera and fussed around while she took photos of Kathy and me with strategically placed clipboards and pot plants. She was interrupted by a discreet knock on the outer door, and before I could say “Clothes Carol” she was gone, all I could see was her pale muscled back shining in the darkened outer office.

“Is that you Emma?” she called

I didn’t catch the reply but I sincerely hope it was my wife as Carol was unlocking the door. At least she stood back out of view of the street as Emma bustled into the room with a large cool bag

“I’ve brought some props” she announced “and as an added bonus we can eat them after”

Kathy strode confidently into the room.

“Emma” she said warmly as they kissed each other on the cheek.

“You look gorgeous” my wife complimented Kathy while she cast a murderous look at the office door. “There’s no use hiding in there Peter I’ve seen it all before”

I came out sheepishly, but Emma was in a demonstrative mood and she strode up to me and gave me a big hug, her patterned dress rough on my bare skin. She took the opportunity to whisper in my ear “If I find you and that naked strumpet have been up to anything I’ll chop it off” I gulped as mute as an earthworm as she continued loudly “I’m so proud of you, I never thought you had the nerve”

She broke away from me leaving the imprint of a row of buttons on my bare chest. “Where does one strip in here?” Emma asked.

I gestured towards my office.

“Come with me Pete, please” The shy act fooled nobody.

I caught a glimpse of Carol’s face as she mouthed a single word to Kathy “Owned”

I winced and followed Emma into my office. She closed the door before she closed on me.

“Has Petie been a good boy then” she said as she slowly undid the buttons on her dress one by one.

I nodded as it fell to the floor. Emma stepped out of the dress towards me.

“And more to the point, has little willy behaved himself?” she teased, bouncing my penis between the first two fingers of her right hand.

“How many times do I have to tell you Emma” I hissed vehemently “There’s nothing between me and Kathy”

“I can see that darling” she said as she removed her flimsy bra allowing her small breasts to fall free.
“That’s not what I meant and you know it” I replied

Slowly and provocatively she removed a miniscule red thong.

“So you are telling me” continued quietly “you have been here all morning with that naked strumpet and nothing has happened.”

I decided that honesty was the best policy, “I swear I haven’t laid a finger on her”

“It’s not you finger I worried about” she said as she slowly dropped to her knees and grabbed my penis. “It’s the one eyed trouser snake that has a mind of its own”

It certainly had and for the second time that morning Percy began to rise to the challenge. The thought of having sex in my office while my secretary and business partner chatted amiably just outside the door was terrifying me. But the todger wasn’t bothered one little bit and he was well on his way to attention.

“See what I mean” Emma said as she moved her face towards it.

‘She wouldn’t dare,’ I thought ‘not here, would she?’

I stood terrified and erect in more ways than one as Emma ran her nose along my very erect penis. At any moment the door could open, I held my breath, but Emma had not been holding hers. Abruptly she stood up, “

Good” she announced “no smell of pussy, not guilty. Plenty of smell of you, mind” she stopped and smiled before crowing “Still got it.” Her mood changed abruptly “Now, let’s go and have our picture taken”

She started towards the door before pausing and turning on one foot. I looked at her, standing in my office, legs crossed and showing just a hint of pubic hair, one arm over her pert little breast as she sucked her finger.

“You stay here a moment sweetie” she told me sympathetically “I think you need to compose yourself”

It’s a book, a play and a picture. First word, two syllables. First syllable rhymes with day, second syllable, a small goat. Second word, rhymes with munch. Finger on nose, you’ve won, naked lunch. Unlike Manet’s dandies who could only find a pair, I had the pleasure of dining with three naked women, but the luxury of an extra nude was more than compensated for by the lack of my own clothing.

We were sitting in a circle of armchairs reserved for our waiting customers. Emma’s picnic lay spread out on the low coffee table between us. Emma had insisted we eat like this. “I’m not sitting at your desk so you can ogle our chests with your private bits all hidden away” she had said.

This was fine by me as now I could ogle their chests and their private bits that would have been hidden away.

“I’ll know if you’re staring” Emma scolded me. Hurriedly I jerked my eyes away from Kathy’s brown nipples.

“I wouldn’t dream of staring my angel” I replied

“Oh” she taunted me, “You don’t like my body do you”

“Of course I do my sweet, but this is hardly the time and place” I replied as Carol chortled to herself. Kathy however was deep in thought. Somehow I knew what she was thinking and fell silent myself.

Emma filled the silence “Carol can I ask you a delicate question?”

“Sure” she replied

“You shave, or is it a wax?”

“Shave” she replied with no hint of embarrassment even though all eyes were now on her hairless vagina.

“It’s swimming” she relied “the cozzies are so tight any hairs would peak out”

“Have you any tips” asked Emma.

“Swim naked. It’s much more fun”

All of our eyes were on Carol now, and it wasn’t because she was bare.

“Is there something you’d like to tell us Carol” asked Kathy sweetly.

“Oh we have nude training sessions all the time. Swimming costumes rub you raw, you know”

“Not in my experience” Emma told her.

“How many miles a week do you do?” asked Carol
Emma smiled, “Er none as a rule”

“Well take it from me they can leave you sore”

Kathy hesitantly took up the baton “Do you experience any problems, all of you together in the altogether?”

“Oh no, it’s just bits, after a while you forget”

“What about small boys appearing at the windows.”

“We just pull up the blinds” Carol told her, “anyway if it gives them a thrill. The only downside is my lap times, I’m much faster in the nuddy”

“And the lack of pubes make a difference” asked Emma.

My eyes now swivelled towards her hairy crotch.

“Eyes up Peter” she demanded.

“You’re not thinking of going bald?” I asked.

“Well sweet pea” she replied “we don’t want any curly ones turning up in the vol-au-vonts do we?”

“It can itch if you don’t use cream, and if you plan on keeping it you need to watch for in growing hairs” advised Carol.

Kathy ran her fingers through her pubic hair. “I won’t be near the food, so I think I’ll keep it covered” she said.

Emma a stood up abruptly and brushed some bread crumbs from her bare skin.

“I have to get back” she told us striding across to my office.

I could hear her clothes rustling as she got dressed

“Are you planning to remain naked?” she called.

Before I could answer Carol resumed her duties.

“Kathy has an appointment for three, and I’ll have to open the office soon.”

Emma emerged fully clothed, looking as fresh as a new mown lawn “Nothing for you sweetie. You can spend the rest of the afternoon naked, lucky you”

Yes lucky me indeed.

“He doesn’t have much choice” said Kathy, who quickly recounted my morning’s misfortune to my wife and a grinning naked secretary.

“Oh you poor love” Emma sympathised, “tell you what, shall I’ll go check if your suit is ready, as none of you are quite dressed for the street. Where’s the ticket for the cleaners”

“I’m not too sure” I replied cautiously. Emma was up to something. Unfortunately Kathy didn’t know my wife as well as I, and before I could continue she helpfully told Emma it was on my desk.

Emma grinned sweetly, a look I knew signalled Emma at her worst. Within a heartbeat she was in the office rummaging on my desk.

“Got it” she cried, “back in a sec” As she headed for the door we scurried for cover like rabbits at the sound of a gun.

We stared at each other, and laughed like naughty schoolchildren.

“Well” Kathy asked “how long can we stay naked.”

“Until threeish” replied Carol, she raised an eyebrow, “but shall we?”

“Dare you” challenged Kathy

“Done” said Carol, “What about you Pete?”

I shrugged “I haven’t got any clothes to put on”
“You soon will, Emma will be back in a moment”

Before I could answer the phone rang.

Carol picked up the receiver “A1 wedding services, Carol speaking, how I may help you?”

She listened for a moment, gave me a warm smile. “Sure thing, I’ll tell him” as she hung up.

“That was Emma; your clothes won’t be ready until four thirty. She say’s she’ll pick them up on her way home. Says it’s lucky you have no appointments this afternoon”

Not really I thought. I knew damn well that the suit was ready but my ever contrary wife had taken the news of my free afternoon to have some fun.

Even the strangest of situations can become mundane after a while. I sat at my chair, worked on my computer and telephoned clients and contactors all without a stitch on. Occasionally my now clothed secretary brought me some coffee. I listened attentively as Kathy’s customers came and went, unknowing of the naked man behind the closed office door. I was not surprised when half past four came and went. At five Carol shut the office and with a very sympathetic goodbye left for swimming practice.

A few moments later Kathy called to me

“You can come out now. I’ve locked up and closed down the blinds. No one can see”

Well Kathy could, but then what’s been seen can’t be hidden, and after all, we had a naked lunch and almost………… I took a deep breath and walked into the outer office. Kathy was standing with her back to me, she was fully clothed. I didn’t know if I was relieved or disappointed.

“Pete” she began quietly, “about earlier” she hesitated. “I hope …. Well I just want to say it was a mistake” She turned quickly “not that I don’t think you’re attractive and frankly at the time….” She paused, looking down at her shoes. I’d like to have looked at mine.

“I know what you mean, it would have been like one of those TV series, will they won’t they? And when they do it’s over, the spark is gone and the show’s jumped the shark”

Kathy swallowed hard and took a deep breath. “So you’re Ok with it”

I smiled “Yes, it’s out of the way now. We went to the edge, looked into the abyss and returned unscathed”

She returned my smile and changed the subject, “How long do you think Emma will be?”

I shrugged; I knew that Emma was doing this deliberately. “You go, I’ll be OK”

“No, no I couldn’t do that, what if something happened, you would be here with no clothes”

A silence fell between us.

“Tell you what, why don’t we go over the Hunter presentation” I suggested.

“OK” she said “Do you want me to buff up?”

What a day, women falling over themselves to bare all before me. I could scarcely believe what I said next.

“No need for that”

“I don’t mind,” she said “I’m quite comfortable in the nude”

“Really” I tried to sound astonished, but deep down I knew.

“You haven’t joined the nudist colony have you?”

“They prefer to call it a naturist resort”

“I knew it” I slapped my bare knee

“I didn’t say yes, but I’m quite happy to get undressed to keep you company”

For the second time I shocked myself

“No, Emma may turn up any time and one of us will have to be dressed to answer the door.

“But if you want to do a dress rehearsal….”

I knew that this was coming, none the less it was still a shock

“We’re not doing it in the nude” I said firmly.

“Of course we are, everyone else will be naked, and we’d stick out like a sore thumb if we dressed”

But it wasn’t my sore thumb sticking out that bothered me.

A sudden rap on the door sent my heart into my mouth. “Are you decent?” shouted Emma. What would the street make of that I thought as Kathy opened the door and added to any listener’s intrigue with her reply. “I am, but you husband isn’t”

Emma burst through the door carrying a pile of clothes. “I brought them from home, there seemed no point in you dirtying a freshly cleaned suit”

As a starving man would grab a dry crusty loaf filled with maggots I gathered up my clothes and headed to my office. While I dressed, luxuriating in the feel of cotton once again, I could hear the two women giggling, no doubt I was the butt of their jokes but frankly I didn’t give a damn, I was back in my natural state a and for a brief moment I was as happy as an orphan on a church outing. Then it began to rain.

”Kathy says you didn’t need to have the suit cleaned for the Hunter presentation” They both burst into a fit of giggles.

“You will be cleaning the suit you are going to wear before you go won’t you Peter”
I cut trough the girlie laughter

“You do realise that this is it, don’t you?”

“No, that isn’t what you’ll be wearing”

I ignored that and went on “this is where they get us, there’ll be cameras everywhere and we’ll be all over some sordid little TV programme”

“Oh for goodness sake Peter, do you seriously think they would have strung us along for this amount of time” retorted Kathy, “besides I’ve checked them out, it’s a proper naturist resort and the Hunters have been members for nearly twenty years”

“Hah” I said triumphantly, “that just proves my point, no bona fide club would give out that sort of information”

“It wasn’t the club that told me” Kathy replied calmly, “I found out from other members”

“What other members?” I asked.

“The members I meet when I go there”

That stopped me in my tracks. Emma who had been grinning like a demented Aunt witnessing a family argument turned slowly to look at Kathy who had the good grace to go bright red.

“Kathy, is there something you’d like to tell us”

A very small voice replied “I joined the club”

“I knew it” I said triumphantly

“You …………..are…………….. a…………….. nudist” Emma pronounced the words slowly with much incredulity.

Kathy was beginning to recover now. “And what’s wrong with that?”

“You frolic about in the all together”

“That’s the problem we face, people like you sniggering about naturism. It’s just ordinary people doing ordinary things”

“With all your bits hanging out” I replied

Emma interrupted my flow “Er.. Pete I don’t think that we are really in a position to criticise that statement”

“What are you suggesting” but my brain was catching up with my mouth. The naked meals, the casual nudity around the house in the last few weeks. “Oh” I said.

“I think we’re all nudists now” said Emma with all the finality of a closing coffin lid.


The evening of the Hunter presentation was cold and damp, brought on by a depression coming from the Atlantic, My mood was worse, caused by a depression coming from my despair. We were waiting for Kathy who was driving. Emma was sitting patiently as I paced the room deciding what to wear.

“For God’s sake Pete will you make up your mind?” She was exasperated “It’s not as you have a great deal of choice”

My reluctance was amplified by the absolute certainty that we were walking into a trap. This was the perfect place for an ambush, unfamiliar territory with no chance of prior reconnaissance. There would be cameras everywhere, capturing every moment of our naked folly. We would be ubiquitous, all over the seedier channels of the television; figures of fun in the press with witty headlines and bold black rectangles covering our genitals.

“You’ll be an internet porn star” I had ranted to Emma as she peeled carrots for our evening meal. Her bare buttocks quivered their disapproval. “How do you know I’m not already?” she asked in that sickly sugary little girly voice that I recognised as my wife at her worst. I refused to be distracted. “You wait and see, you’ll be the most famous nude after the Venus de Milo.”

She turned to face me, the knife in her hand demanding more attention than her bare body.

“Look, Peter, we have checked them out, they are bona fide paid up nudists. Anyway, no TV company would go to these lengths, they would have wanted it done and dusted months ago”

I continued to rant like Cassandra at the gates of Mycenae, but to similar effect. Emma and Kathy were adamant.

“Wear what you like, we won’t join you” So what else could I do; only a cad would be clothed.

“It’s all very well for you” I told Emma who stood impatiently tapping her foot ready to go. She had chosen her coat and a pair of high heeled open shoes that emphasised her long legs. Her outfit was completed by a small golden necklace. “You just put the coat on and no one would suspect you were naked underneath it.”

“You can do the same sweat pea, just say you are wearing shorts” She smiled encouragingly. The smile vanished like the sun in a squall. Suddenly she snapped like hailstones, cold and sharp “Well just do what Kathy suggested, wear some sweat pants and a loose jumper. She should know, after all she’s the expert!”

“Ok Ok” I said and went upstairs to look through my running kit. The doorbell rang while I was debating the pointless choice of a red or blue top. “It’s Kathy, I’ll get it”

“Not in the nude” I called out despairingly knowing it was too late. A retired clergyman lived across the road. The sight of Emma fully nude would be more than his frail heart could bear. Fully dressed I bounded down the stairs to find Kathy in a long black coat discussing pubic topiary with Emma.

“Did it take long” Kathy was asking as she admired my wife’s hairless vagina.

“Not really, I did it while I was having a bath. Pete’s not too sure about it, are you darling”

“No, I prefer the mature look” I replied guardedly. This was not a topic of conversation I was truly comfortable with.

“It’s not staying” Emma assured me. “I only did it for this contract. Hygiene and all that”

I cut in “Got everything?”

“Of course” replied Kathy.

“Laptop?”

“Yes”

“Projector?”

“Yes”

“Spare battery?”

“Yes”

“Clothes?” asked Emma

By way of reply Kathy opened her coat. She and Emma lapsed into a fit of giggles as I waited patiently to leave.

The wet gravel on the drive to the Hunter mansion glinted in the car headlights as we pulled in. We had announced our presence to the speakerphone at the gate half a mile back over the fields, so it was no surprise to find Greta and Bob waiting for us in the mock Palladian porch, their bare bodies gleaming white under the tungsten security light. I swallowed hard as I carried the equipment into the vast hall as the clicking of Emma’s heels echoed through the marble statues.

Greta indicated a side door “you can undress in here”

“Oh no need for that” replied Emma quickly as she removed her coat, “where can I hang this?”

“I’ll take it for you” said Bob. Kathy removed her coat and handed it to Bob leaving me the lonely clothed body in the room.

“Come on darling” said Emma sweetly “get ‘em off. Or have you got a problem”?” looking pointedly at my crotch.

As I pulled my sweat top over my head I heard the static crackle. That, however was the only electricity I felt, I may have been surrounded by three totally naked women but I was so nervous I could have given Bob a superiority complex. So there we all were standing starkers in the marbled halls of the local business magnet, chairman of the Rotary club, captain of the Golf club and secret nudist.

“Where do you want us?” I asked

“We’ll do the talk in here” replied Greta as she led us into a large room that was set up as a small cinema. “Just plug the laptop in here” she gestured to a receptacle in a dias set at the side of the screen. “Dad is used to having talks here” she explained.

“Oh right” I put down the, projector and portable screen I had been using to cover myself. Suddenly I felt very exposed.

“So we finally get to see all of you Mr Andrews” I jumped at the sound of Sally’s voice.

“Ah er well, when in Rome……..” my voice petered out weakly “May I introduce my wife Emma, she will be doing the catering”

“Oh ho, a smoothie” said Sally, “we’re not a member of that faction”

Emma, as usual, was completely unfazed “Oh it’s not fashion Mrs Hunter”

Formality was swept away with a wave of the hand “Sally please, there’s no point being formal if we’re all nude”

“True, very true. I’m the caterer. I’ve only dispensed with my pubic hair for hygiene reasons; believe me I fully intend to grow it back after the wedding”

“What does your husband think?”

Before Emma could give her usual response which left the listener in no doubt of the worthlessness of my humble opinions in any matter I quickly broke in

“Oh I gave up commenting on my wife’s hairstyle years ago Sally”

To my utter shock Emma laughed at this.

“Ah the wedding team” a deep loud voice announced the arrival of Max Hunter. I had never met him before but recognised his face instantly from his many appearances in the local paper. The rest of him I would never have recognised. He could have used losing a few pounds and he certainly made a better impression in a business suit than his birthday suit.

“Peter Andrews” I introduced myself as he pumped my hand

“Max. My wife tells me you have accomplished the impossible. I’ll bet it doesn’t come cheap though”

I could see how he made his fortune; they were all the same these boys, penny pinching at every opportunity.

“Look at this way” I told him, “you’ll save a grand on the dress”

“Ha, if I know my daughter she’ll find something else to spend it on”

“Oh stop moaning daddy, come and sit down and watch the presentation”

The remainder of the household wandered in and took their seats. Bob’s parents, a small man with a very spotty bottom accompanied by his roly-poly wife whose breasts that nearly touched her knees. Greta’s grandmother, who was as thin as a rake with dried paper skin that hung in wrinkled folds. I noticed that each seat had a removable paper cover. I idly wondered about a normal cinema, and just how clean the punters’ clothes were.

I looked over to Emma and Kathy who stood ready, hands cupped in front of their vaginas and toes curling nervously. I gave them a smile, as I was wearing nothing else and turned to face my audience. Imagine them naked Kathy used to say when she sensed I was nervous. No problem today, but I never imagined us that way.

“Wait, wait” cried Greta, “where’s Laura”

“I’m here” came the world weary reply

Greta’s sister shuffled sheepishly into the room. Her long ash blond hair almost hiding her face, she clung nervously to her husband who was cleary not averse to a beer or four. His belly was just about holding but it wouldn’t be long before he would need a mirror to view his rumpled penis.

“Laura you promised” whined Greta. Her fully clothed sister said nothing as she sat next to her husband in the second row. She looked defiantly ahead, light glinting from her glasses. There was not a hint of embarrassment in her manner. I empathised with her, I too had had my hour walking fully clothed and unashamed through the Sunnyfields Sun Club, a serpent in an Eden.

“Can we get on” said Max, “I’m sure that Laura will join us later”

Laura looked at her father and smiled, but she made no attempt to remove the long shapeless blue dress she wore.

As we had planned Kathy spoke first. We had a stock presentation and she delivered our usual introduction with the slight twist of pictures of the staff of A1 weddings with modesty preserved by some strategically placed desk items and potted plants. I’d watched her give this address many, many times before but it had never quite held my attention as it had today, Nothing escaped my gaze, every slight movement of her bare body, the way her large breasts bounced when she laughed, her buttocks clenching and unclenching as her weight shifted. Suddenly I was hit by a revelation, a blinding flash, why wasn’t she preserving her modesty now, there was a perfectly good dais she could have hidden behind, but she stood to the side of it in full view of her bare audience. Emma was clearly struck by the same thought, “She seems happy in her skin” she whispered “how long has she been a nudist?” I turned to her and shrugged and was about to say something pithy but Kathy interrupted, “And now Emma will talk about the catering”

Emma swallowed hard and leant towards my ear “Wish me luck, darling” Once more my reply was forestalled as Emma stepped forward. She looked stunning. So she should, it had taken her hours to get ready. First the shower, then the shave which took far longer than any of mine had done. Finally hair and makeup. Fortunately I didn’t have to endure the hours of sifting through the wardrobe followed by that exaggerated sigh and a wistful, “I just don’t have anything to wear”

“This has certainly been a challenge” she began. I scrutinised her face as she outlined the catering. She was perfectly made up; her freshly waved black hair tumbled onto her bare shoulders. She gave the appearance of utter calm, but I knew her too well, a slight stretching of her lips, a small line of worry etched on to her forehead, the way she tapped her feet, tiny signs of nerves. Even so, she too eschewed the cover of the dais.

Max Hunter interrupted, “your staff are prepared to work naked?”

“Not all of them, but one of my part time students is a member of a club who are keen to help”

“Ha” said Bob with a smirk “the Chariots Club” His brain caught up with his mouth “Well it sounds like them……… according to the rumours I have er heard ” Clearly nobody had ever advised Bob stop digging when you are in a hole.

“And what is a Chariot Club, Bob” enquired Greta in a voice that came straight from an Antarctic winter. Suddenly he found himself to be the centre of attention and Bob began to redden like a tropical sunset. “Well?” asked his future wife, twisting the knife further. His future Father-in-law decided to rescue him.

“So the Chariot Club is still rolling”

“And what do you know of the Chariot club, daddy” queried Greta who obviously knew all about it. Her father, however, was made of stern stuff.

“Used to be a member” he said with some pride.

Greta began to get indignant, and sought for support “Did you know about this, Mum” Daddy and Mum, that spoke volumes I thought as I listened with pleasure to this family argument. Was I the only one present to spot the incongruity of their argument? Here they were as naked as the day they were born arguing about a club where everyone went around in the buff. Admittedly they appeared to have orgies as well…..

Sally interrupted my chain of morality “Yes dear, I was a member too” Her daughter’s mouth began to flap like an old sheet in the wind, and before she could emit another morsel of moral indignation her father shut her up.

“And a right little raver she was too”

Everyone looked at Sally who displayed not a hint of shame, she merely smiled serenely and suggested Emma continued.

All too soon my turn arrived. I had no intention of following the convention set an placed my private parts firmly behind the dais. I didn’t care that nearly everyone was stark naked at least everything wouldn’t be on show when my pitch was shown on TV

“Security” I began, drawing an instant response. Suddenly half the audience were very attentive indeed. Clearly a naturist wedding was not quite as popular a decision as Greta and Bob liked to present.

“Normally we just put a couple of heavies on the door to stop people gate crashing the party in the evening. We’ll still do that but then it’s not the evening we are concerned about. Greta scowled, she had wanted the evening party with DJ, bumping and grinding, to be nude too. Her mother, however, as a former member of the Chariots Club, was obviously no stranger to naked bumping and grinding and had put her bare foot firmly down.

“No Greta, it’s not as if you are going to be there anyway” Greta and Bob had an appointment at the airport that evening and would have to leave in the early afternoon.

“Secrecy and misdirection will be our main security” I continued with a picture of Napoleon on the screen behind me. I had found that many of his maxims on warfare to be highly useful in the planning of a nude wedding. I hoped I was not planning my own Waterloo.

I outlined my battle plan in what I imagined to be clipped military tones. “We are using the staff canteen at your factory for the evening do. This shall be our rendezvous for all of your guests, except for those of us here now. Everyone attending the wedding and reception will be meet at the works car park at one o clock”

I had contemplated saying thirteen hundred hours but maybe that was a little too far.

“The guests will then board a bus and be driven through the works. We shall exit at the rear and proceed to Cottlestone Hall”

Sally had her hand up, one finger in the air waving from side to side. I paused while she asked.

“What about latecomers”

“The bus will return and collect any stragglers in the second wave” Emma and Kathy started to giggle. I gave them a glare.

“Carry on Captain Mainwaring” they told me, giving a mock salute.

I gave them a withering look and continued less crisply.

“There is a church next to the factory. I have given the vicar a donation and he will tell any casual enquirer that there is a wedding booked for two. Should anyone discover the real location…………..well the hall itself is a long way from any road. The gates will be closed and locked and anyone trying to come across country will be spotted by a couple of lookouts on the roof.” I switched my PowerPoint to an aerial view of Cottlestone to emphasise the open parkland around the house.

“The resort has a Gym and swimming pool, which means large changing rooms. We shall invite the gusts who wish to disrobe to use these facilities, while the others, who I believe are called textiles, will be served drinks in the lounge or if it is fine on the terrace”

I paused because suddenly nobody was paying me any attention. “Why is everyone looking at me” complained Laura, “I said I’d do it didn’t I”

Silence fell broken only by the whirr of the computer’s fan. It was feeling the heat too.

“Do we have any idea of how many gusts will clothed and naked?” I asked

“Well there’s one I know for definite” said Greta petulantly

“Greta” warned her mother.

Laura stood up abruptly “Right, I’ve had enough of this” I sighed expecting her to leave in a theatrical huff. Instead she pulled her long blue dress over her head and sat down. “Satisfied” called the now naked Laura folding her arms across her perfect breasts.

Greta became self righteous “Well it’s not a lot to ask, I had to wear that perfectly awful dress at your wedding, just so I matched the table ornaments”

“Do you seriously think wearing a dress you don’t like is in the same league as demanding I turn up in the nude!”

“Well nobody else seems to mind”

Well I did now she mentioned it, but this didn’t seem like the time to bring it up.

“So answer the question, how many will be nude”

Greta paused, looked at her mother before answering “all the family” Laura snorted “All the guests from the naturist club……. I’m not too sure about my college friends, but they will be in a minority”

Laura was still angry and set off at a furious pace down a different road. “What about photographs, how are you going to ensure that my bare arse is not plastered all over the internet?

I took my cue “that is the next part of my presentation. Greta and Bob have secured the services of a photographer from the naturist club; he will take the only pictures we allow. It will be made clear to all the guests they cannot take any photographs whatsoever. The Hall has no mobile phone coverage so we will ask all guests to leave their phones in the locker rooms. I don’t think anyone will be able to get a camera out without somebody noticing.” I paused as I called up the next slide. It showed a royal princess getting changed at a gym. “But if somebody really wants that shot…….”

But Laura wasn’t finished yet “Does the hall have CCTV?”

“Yes, but I assure you it will be turned off, after all I have no wish to become an object of interest on the internet myself.”

I may have sounded confident but I wasn’t so sure. I looked at Kathy who was frowning, she knew as well as I did that Giles controlled the CCTV and the only reason he allowed us the hall was to see Kathy naked. Could he resist a permanent memento? After years of trying to get into Kathy’s pants the chance of seeing her out of them might just be too tempting for Giles.

Laura finally seemed satisfied, well at least she shut up, allowing the others to ask pertinent questions and Greta the opportunity to gush.

“Isn’t it wonderful, it’s going to be the best naked wedding ever”

Now there’s something I must add to my CV I thought as the meeting broke up. Kathy and Emma helpfully packed our gear back into the car while I stood helmet to helmet with Max Hunter discussing the price. I had heard he could drive a hard bargain, but his daughter had dealt him a poor hand. We both knew it, I allowed him to beat us down to the price we wanted so he could save some face and we came to an agreement.

“Well” I told the assembled flesh in the hallway, “You will have a great deal to discuss, so we shall leave you now. If there are any queries you may have please don’t hesitate to call us”

I turned find Emma and Kathy’s bare behinds walking out of the door.

“Ladies, haven’t you forgotten something?”

They stopped, turned to face me, then looked at each other and said in unison “I don’t think so”

“Your coats?”

“They are in the car already”

I winced, the heat was on and I was wilting.

I looked at Tom and Greta, their bare bodies illuminated by porch light, and faces lit up with admiration. Never let the customer down.

“Right ho, we’ll go them” I said with all the confidence I didn’t have.

“You’re in the back” Emma told me firmly. “Bye then, she called to our hosts and clients who waved approvingly back.

The rain that greeted our arrival had gone leaving a pitch dark sky, the only lights being the high stars and the wan headlights of Kathy’s little car. I held a tight lipped silence until we had left the Hunter grounds and was just about to let my feelings be known when Kathy pulled off the road.

“See the look on their faces” she crowed.

Emma turned to me “the look on your face was priceless, sweetie.”

I opened my mouth to speak but no words came out. Both Emma and Kathy were getting out of the car. The boot opened and closed with a bang. I felt the cold night air on the back of my neck.

“Here you are” said a newly coated Emma as my clothes landed in my lap, “you can get dressed now”

“Do you think they think we are going through with it?” Kathy mused as we headed home

“Who knows, but it will give them something to talk about” replied Emma

It certainly wasn’t something I was going to talk about.